"Så när mörkret kommit hit kan jag lägga mig ner
se på när de skrattade stjärnorna faller
i takt med mina tårar
och hoppas att ruinerna av mitt liv
kan fylla tomrummet
du lämnade bakom dig
Jag gråter när önskan att känna något
golvar mig
Önskan att känna något alls
som inte är på grund av
(tack vare?)
dig
Bara en - liten - känsla
...
Fast tomhet
är ju också
en känsla
...

När ska jag lära mig?"

2009

"Uppspärrade ögon, en kall rädsla & otålighet i kroppen, ett öppet fönster och kyla som forsar in; om en sekund svimmar jag. 2 sekunder. 3 sekunder. 4 sekunder. 5 sekunder.
Varför dör jag inte? Hur kan jag ta såhär mycket stryk utan att försvinna, utan att däcka, utan att dö, utan att somna?
Jag har väntat så länge på en förändring, jag tror det är för sent nu. Jag är trött, jag önskar du försvann."

2008

"Maybe all I ever want is for someone to tell me that I'm not... all that, all the things they called me... maybe that's why I feel compelled to tell everybody what's happened to me.
Maybe.
Maybe I just want to feel loved, because that's the thing I can't feel. I can't let anyone love me, because it disgusts me sometimes.
I don't know.
Do I love? Have I ever loved?
Sometimes I just don't think so. I don't wanna be around anyone. I'm not sure whether it's me or them that are at fault. Who's the disturbing one?
Somehow I feel like it's them. And that's not because I don't wanna admit my own flaws, because I'm happy to do that.
No, this disturbs me a whole lot more than if I was the one who was the problem. I mean, technically I guess I'm still the one with the problem. But... do you get it at all?"

2011

"I'm wondering if things haven't become a little too surreal for me.
Remember to breathe. Remember to walk.
Remember to take your pills, your medication, your key to a real, normal life.
Remember to take the right ones in the right order. Remember to close the door to the room so the rest of the people sleeping your apartment won't wake up when you get your water.
Your apartment, by the way. Did you ever really live there? Could you ever really get rid of the feeling that you're being watched? Monitored?
Are those people? Do they really exist? Do they have an inside, feelings, thoughts? Do I exist in them the way they... almost exist in me?
Do they expect my life to go on? Like this?
Do they think anything of me at all?

The contact between me and the rest of the world is completely gone. Play a song and after two chords, it's over. The rest of your time together disappeared somewhere, not into you. Into thin air.
Ask someone to tell you something and two minutes later you realised you weren't listening.
But you don't know what you were doing during the time that they spoke.

You're not really helping with getting that contact back, though. Staying up at night. Looking out into the darkness outside your window, hoping for it to start to rain soon. The feeling of rain is so refreshing.
But maybe I'm not helping myself because I don't think the reality will be any better than this... between state. This absolute gray area almost-space. When I can't reach anyone, their betrayals don't really hurt as much. I'm not really here, so maybe I don't feel them as much as I could.
And they still hurt more than bearable, so why should I help myself? I'll leave that to the meds they prescribe to me.

A General Anxiety Disorder.
GAD.
Apparently, this is what's been destroying my life. My psychologists have over the past four years believed it to be social phobia, but just this last week they realised they were wrong.
General Anxiety Disorder.
I told my mother, and she was... happy. That it had a name. Because she thought it sounded logical, that this is what I am.
But what difference does it really make? I'm not sure I care what it is as long as someone can get this fucking thing out of my body. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Someone else can do that now.
Maybe that's another reason why I stay up all night. No distractions. No expectations. Just me and... nothing.
Me and nothing, we make a great team.
Cause how I'm ever gonna succeed with anything else than nothing in my life, I have no idea."

2010

"Jag sa till honom att jag inte trodde att skolan skulle funka. Besvikelsen riktigt lös i ögonen på honom.
Det gör så ont att jag är förvånad att resten av folket i rummet inte känner av det...
Samma stickande, brännande tanke än en gång:
Allt vore så mycket bättre om inte jag fanns."

2008

"Är mina ögon öppna?
Är världen fortfarande
där?

Efter allt som varit
efter alla dagar som gått
finns det ett ord
som borde göra mig galen
En tanke stark nog att dela mitt huvud
i två
Förlåt
men det var ditt fel"

2009

"One of those nights where it feels like... I can't do anything, ever again. I have to die. Or I have to cry all night until my parents wake up and see what a fucking wreck I am, and they decide to help me even stand up... Until I have all the support I need. In everything. The best thing, though, would be if I could just disappear, and have everyone forget my existence.
But I always wake up the next day.
I don't even know why.
I'm so confused I'm not even sure if I am confused. Are things clear? I don't know, I don't know, and it's driving me insane. I don't know myself better than anyone else does. Am I not supposed to have an inside?

[...]  It's been 2 years since I left the school. It's still the same. But you can't bother people with the same old shit over and over and over again, cause there's never anything new to say. I know the logical side of things, I do. Or, I think I do. What everyone tells me, over and over, is that the people that hated on me were idiots. Were they idiots just cause of their hate? Where do I fit in in that picture? I must have had something to do with it, right? I mean, they didn't destroy my life for no reason?
I can't help but wonder, though, what I would have been like today if they had just learned to SHUT THE FUCK UP when something was bothering them. I was always shy. I didn't dare go on the bus by myself even before I began 7th grade.
So how would that have continued? Would I have... fixed myself, healed in time, if those people didn't make me terrified of every person around me?

[...] I wish someone could just break open my head, examine it and tell me what's wrong with me. I can't say what it is, I can't understand it myself. I can't put it into words. It's just a wordless pain and confusion about *everything* in my life. I don't understand.

It's one of those nights where I just wanna tell someone. These are the times when I wonder where my therapist is, why she's not here - and of course I know why she isn't. But whenever I go to her, or anyone else, I turn fake. I don't wanna be fake anymore.
And I don't wanna forget my feelings just to be a good person to someone else, but that's the way it's always gonna be. I can't show this. I can't show anything, to anyone, and I don't know why. This is one of the nights where I can't keep my light up at all, I have been crying for hours. But of course, no one is around to see it, read this, hear my thoughts or my whimpers. I don't even know if I would be crying if anyone was around.
God, I should just sleep. I don't wanna live tomorrow, but I know I'm going to. I know I'm gonna wake up like every other day, and I'll have to exist.
I just don't know why, anymore, I don't understand. Why am I here? The chance that I will ever succeed with anything in life is destroyed by my need to be depressed. I can't be happy. So why am I alive?"

2010

"Giving up
I close my eyes and I see into you
Stepping out
I shut my ears and I’m here for you
Don’t believe you can see what moves inside my eyes
For it is all shadows, of my former life

Giving you
I open my eyes and I see through you
Leaving you
I listen again, and I’m walking from you
You never tried to see what moved inside my mind
And inside hid my hate, burning for you"

2007

"The next day, I would decide that that option didn't seem inviting, so instead of dealing with it, I would stay home. I would sleep too long, and I would wake up to an empty apartment. Not have the energy to get out of my pajamas. Later on, my parents would come home from work, and they would ask me, "weren't you in school today?" and I would say no, hide my eyes, hide my face, in a hoarse voice that couldn't hide tears. And they would say, "you can't keep doing this. You have to take care of your studies." And I would already know it. I would already know it all too well, and I would say "I know" and I would never look them in the eye. The more they said about it, the more they talked about what I had to do, the more I wished I could hate them.

[...]  There was only one feeling that remained no matter which option I chose; no matter what I did, I was always a failure. I failed school, whether I was there or not.
So what was the point?"

2010

"Forgive me for asking
all these silly questions
But I have to know
if you still love me
when I tell you
that
I
don't
want
you
and more importantly
I don't want anyone else
to take away
the things that
I
don't
want

I want you
to keep loving me
'til it kills you

You make me real"

2009

"Okej, okej, jag tar emot ditt tillit
om du insisterar
Du får älska mig om du måste
Men förvänta dig inte att jag aldrig ska falla
Ärligheten är det jag aldrig klarade av
Frånvaron av ord som betyder något
var varför du aldrig lyssnade på mig
och varför jag aldrig uppmärksammade din ondska

Och jag faller för att...
överleva
DU KLARAR JU FAN INGENTING
Nej, men stanna en stund och känn på min underbara ärlighet
Tunn, men obehagligt verklig
Precis som du ville ha den,
och precis den jag aldrig ville överlämna
Frånvaron av ord som betyder något
är tystnaden du önskade att du kunde få tillbaka

Men medan du ändå är här och ger mig förstörda ord
kan du ta tillbaka ditt tillit också"

2010

Från
    Kom ihåg mig
URL

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Kommentar

2009   I ett andetag, får jag inte existera Det är smärtsammare än vanligt Det här misslyckandet är utom denna värld För stort för dina ögon utanför ditt synfält Rutan är krossad, spillrorna regnar Men det är ingenting mot ditt ...

2007   Down, scream And another knife is soaring through the air Aim it at me, aim to kill   Put the hate through my heart Slap the anger in my face And nail the envy in my bones Handing me the fear, forcing me to hate Bringing me...

2009-03-02   Du kommer till henne Med en order om att finnas "Kom tillbaka senare jag vilar just nu och ingenting är viktigt nog att störa denna sömn" Tänk, om du bara vetat det att det var där skon klämde Du gav henne liv, så h...

2009-07-31   Jag har inte tid att ge dig en lång, smärtsam beskrivning om hur mörkret lägger sig över mina sinnen Det har lagt sig och har legat sedan länge   Men låt mig bara säga det här Att se på dig och känna inspiration ...

2009   Petrified, cause I don't know what's coming. Isn't it human to be afraid of the unknown? Without your arms around my waist, without your hands in my hair, on my back, stroking my face, holding me close -- gripping my neck -- God, I can't...