"Så när mörkret kommit hit kan jag lägga mig ner
se på när de skrattade stjärnorna faller
i takt med mina tårar
och hoppas att ruinerna av mitt liv
kan fylla tomrummet
du lämnade bakom dig
Jag gråter när önskan att känna något
golvar mig
Önskan att känna något alls
som inte är på grund av
(tack vare?)
dig
Bara en - liten - känsla
...
Fast tomhet
är ju också
en känsla
...

När ska jag lära mig?"

2009

"Uppspärrade ögon, en kall rädsla & otålighet i kroppen, ett öppet fönster och kyla som forsar in; om en sekund svimmar jag. 2 sekunder. 3 sekunder. 4 sekunder. 5 sekunder.
Varför dör jag inte? Hur kan jag ta såhär mycket stryk utan att försvinna, utan att däcka, utan att dö, utan att somna?
Jag har väntat så länge på en förändring, jag tror det är för sent nu. Jag är trött, jag önskar du försvann."

2008

"Maybe all I ever want is for someone to tell me that I'm not... all that, all the things they called me... maybe that's why I feel compelled to tell everybody what's happened to me.
Maybe.
Maybe I just want to feel loved, because that's the thing I can't feel. I can't let anyone love me, because it disgusts me sometimes.
I don't know.
Do I love? Have I ever loved?
Sometimes I just don't think so. I don't wanna be around anyone. I'm not sure whether it's me or them that are at fault. Who's the disturbing one?
Somehow I feel like it's them. And that's not because I don't wanna admit my own flaws, because I'm happy to do that.
No, this disturbs me a whole lot more than if I was the one who was the problem. I mean, technically I guess I'm still the one with the problem. But... do you get it at all?"

2011

"I'm wondering if things haven't become a little too surreal for me.
Remember to breathe. Remember to walk.
Remember to take your pills, your medication, your key to a real, normal life.
Remember to take the right ones in the right order. Remember to close the door to the room so the rest of the people sleeping your apartment won't wake up when you get your water.
Your apartment, by the way. Did you ever really live there? Could you ever really get rid of the feeling that you're being watched? Monitored?
Are those people? Do they really exist? Do they have an inside, feelings, thoughts? Do I exist in them the way they... almost exist in me?
Do they expect my life to go on? Like this?
Do they think anything of me at all?

The contact between me and the rest of the world is completely gone. Play a song and after two chords, it's over. The rest of your time together disappeared somewhere, not into you. Into thin air.
Ask someone to tell you something and two minutes later you realised you weren't listening.
But you don't know what you were doing during the time that they spoke.

You're not really helping with getting that contact back, though. Staying up at night. Looking out into the darkness outside your window, hoping for it to start to rain soon. The feeling of rain is so refreshing.
But maybe I'm not helping myself because I don't think the reality will be any better than this... between state. This absolute gray area almost-space. When I can't reach anyone, their betrayals don't really hurt as much. I'm not really here, so maybe I don't feel them as much as I could.
And they still hurt more than bearable, so why should I help myself? I'll leave that to the meds they prescribe to me.

A General Anxiety Disorder.
GAD.
Apparently, this is what's been destroying my life. My psychologists have over the past four years believed it to be social phobia, but just this last week they realised they were wrong.
General Anxiety Disorder.
I told my mother, and she was... happy. That it had a name. Because she thought it sounded logical, that this is what I am.
But what difference does it really make? I'm not sure I care what it is as long as someone can get this fucking thing out of my body. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Someone else can do that now.
Maybe that's another reason why I stay up all night. No distractions. No expectations. Just me and... nothing.
Me and nothing, we make a great team.
Cause how I'm ever gonna succeed with anything else than nothing in my life, I have no idea."

2010

"Jag sa till honom att jag inte trodde att skolan skulle funka. Besvikelsen riktigt lös i ögonen på honom.
Det gör så ont att jag är förvånad att resten av folket i rummet inte känner av det...
Samma stickande, brännande tanke än en gång:
Allt vore så mycket bättre om inte jag fanns."

2008

"Är mina ögon öppna?
Är världen fortfarande
där?

Efter allt som varit
efter alla dagar som gått
finns det ett ord
som borde göra mig galen
En tanke stark nog att dela mitt huvud
i två
Förlåt
men det var ditt fel"

2009

"One of those nights where it feels like... I can't do anything, ever again. I have to die. Or I have to cry all night until my parents wake up and see what a fucking wreck I am, and they decide to help me even stand up... Until I have all the support I need. In everything. The best thing, though, would be if I could just disappear, and have everyone forget my existence.
But I always wake up the next day.
I don't even know why.
I'm so confused I'm not even sure if I am confused. Are things clear? I don't know, I don't know, and it's driving me insane. I don't know myself better than anyone else does. Am I not supposed to have an inside?

[...]  It's been 2 years since I left the school. It's still the same. But you can't bother people with the same old shit over and over and over again, cause there's never anything new to say. I know the logical side of things, I do. Or, I think I do. What everyone tells me, over and over, is that the people that hated on me were idiots. Were they idiots just cause of their hate? Where do I fit in in that picture? I must have had something to do with it, right? I mean, they didn't destroy my life for no reason?
I can't help but wonder, though, what I would have been like today if they had just learned to SHUT THE FUCK UP when something was bothering them. I was always shy. I didn't dare go on the bus by myself even before I began 7th grade.
So how would that have continued? Would I have... fixed myself, healed in time, if those people didn't make me terrified of every person around me?

[...] I wish someone could just break open my head, examine it and tell me what's wrong with me. I can't say what it is, I can't understand it myself. I can't put it into words. It's just a wordless pain and confusion about *everything* in my life. I don't understand.

It's one of those nights where I just wanna tell someone. These are the times when I wonder where my therapist is, why she's not here - and of course I know why she isn't. But whenever I go to her, or anyone else, I turn fake. I don't wanna be fake anymore.
And I don't wanna forget my feelings just to be a good person to someone else, but that's the way it's always gonna be. I can't show this. I can't show anything, to anyone, and I don't know why. This is one of the nights where I can't keep my light up at all, I have been crying for hours. But of course, no one is around to see it, read this, hear my thoughts or my whimpers. I don't even know if I would be crying if anyone was around.
God, I should just sleep. I don't wanna live tomorrow, but I know I'm going to. I know I'm gonna wake up like every other day, and I'll have to exist.
I just don't know why, anymore, I don't understand. Why am I here? The chance that I will ever succeed with anything in life is destroyed by my need to be depressed. I can't be happy. So why am I alive?"

2010

"Giving up
I close my eyes and I see into you
Stepping out
I shut my ears and I’m here for you
Don’t believe you can see what moves inside my eyes
For it is all shadows, of my former life

Giving you
I open my eyes and I see through you
Leaving you
I listen again, and I’m walking from you
You never tried to see what moved inside my mind
And inside hid my hate, burning for you"

2007

"The next day, I would decide that that option didn't seem inviting, so instead of dealing with it, I would stay home. I would sleep too long, and I would wake up to an empty apartment. Not have the energy to get out of my pajamas. Later on, my parents would come home from work, and they would ask me, "weren't you in school today?" and I would say no, hide my eyes, hide my face, in a hoarse voice that couldn't hide tears. And they would say, "you can't keep doing this. You have to take care of your studies." And I would already know it. I would already know it all too well, and I would say "I know" and I would never look them in the eye. The more they said about it, the more they talked about what I had to do, the more I wished I could hate them.

[...]  There was only one feeling that remained no matter which option I chose; no matter what I did, I was always a failure. I failed school, whether I was there or not.
So what was the point?"

2010

"Forgive me for asking
all these silly questions
But I have to know
if you still love me
when I tell you
that
I
don't
want
you
and more importantly
I don't want anyone else
to take away
the things that
I
don't
want

I want you
to keep loving me
'til it kills you

You make me real"

2009

"Okej, okej, jag tar emot ditt tillit
om du insisterar
Du får älska mig om du måste
Men förvänta dig inte att jag aldrig ska falla
Ärligheten är det jag aldrig klarade av
Frånvaron av ord som betyder något
var varför du aldrig lyssnade på mig
och varför jag aldrig uppmärksammade din ondska

Och jag faller för att...
överleva
DU KLARAR JU FAN INGENTING
Nej, men stanna en stund och känn på min underbara ärlighet
Tunn, men obehagligt verklig
Precis som du ville ha den,
och precis den jag aldrig ville överlämna
Frånvaron av ord som betyder något
är tystnaden du önskade att du kunde få tillbaka

Men medan du ändå är här och ger mig förstörda ord
kan du ta tillbaka ditt tillit också"

2010

"Jag vill veta vem jag är, men eftersom det inte verkar gå så bra tänkte jag börja med att ta reda på vem jag är i relation till vad alla andra är eller inte är. Det kanske inte är rätt väg om det, dock - det kanske är att börja i fel ände. Självklart, tänk, men inte för mycket: musiken är för simpel, och allt som är bra är komplicerat. Allt som är komplicerat är bra. Nej, det låter ju inte särskilt troligt."

2009

"Om jag släcker ljusen,
lägger mig ner och blundar
kan jag lura mig själv att jag sover
Jag lovar att aldrig tala sanning igen
Godnatt"

2010

"I'm a complete waste of potential. Even when I feel my worst, I still feel the need to make people laugh, which is my fucking curse and blessing. It makes people like me and it makes people completely not understand anything of what I'm going through.
I'm sick of that. I'm sick of people not understanding anything.
I told them everything at the last meeting... or, I mean... No, I didn't, I guess. But I told them alot more than they used to know. But after that meeting, it was just forgotten. Way too fast. I mean, not even Lina seems to remember the things I say. I don't really blame her, though. I suppose that when it's been talked about, there's really no need to bring it up again, cause there's nothing new to say."

2011

"Drawing you a picture
Breathing from the end of a straw
For the horror you've created
is so much more than I can draw

Drawing you a picture
Colors leading me astray
Now for the horror you've created
Said and done, now you'll have to pay"

2008

"Nu är hon här igen
och smeker utsidan på min dörr
Som så många gånger förut
Och på frågan
"hur mår du?"
kan det finnas så otroligt många svar
Hon vill få mig att tro att bara ett av svaren är sant
Men något inom mig protesterar högt
och låter mig inte andas

[...] Tillåt mig hata
sättet du pratar
Även om det inte är
riktigt dig
eller frågorna du ställer
Utan min inkompetens
att komma med ett riktigt svar

[...] Man ska alltid säga det man känner
så länge det man känner inte är
att man inte klarar av att finnas

[...] Hur förklarar jag
utan att orden behöver lämna
(ärr på) mina läppar?"

2009

Nu när smärtan är förlorad
Och tårarna har tagit slut
Men mörkret håller sig ute likväl som inne
Nu ser jag dig, ditt riktiga du
Trasigt, förlorat och bortglömt
Med din brinnande fana på marken
och med brännmärken över hela din splittrade själ
Med dina tankar spridda på marken omkring dig
Med dina känslor rinnande ur dina ådror
Och hela din existens i en hoplimmad figur
med bara några få bitar som fattas
Du håller ditt huvud högt
Ditt skådespel
Ett sista, desperat försök
att behålla den sista gnuttan respekt
från den sista människan du älskat
som finns kvar
Bakom dig står kylan
isen
ett monument från kriget du utkämpade mot dina sinnen
Framför dig, ett
(till synes) bottenlöst hål
Och vid din sida finns bara frågan:
är det himlen eller helvetet som väntar dig?
2007

"Jag tänker aldrig låtsas
som du inte finns där
För du lever kvar i mig
Du med dina brännande, livsraserande ord
Det kommer du alltid att göra

Men jag tänker aldrig mer
släppa in ditt blod, dina tårar
Du ska aldrig nånsin få bränna mig igen"

2009

"Jag har stått vid din sida och tagit emot dina löften om att vänta på mig
och låtsas som jag inte visste att jag ändå skulle komma alldeles för sent

Vår illusion är ogenomtränglig, men mjuk som vatten
och jag klänger mig fast vid din kärlek så hårt att den aldrig försvinner utom synhåll
Ju mer jag ger till dig desto fortare försvinner allt jag har inombords:
Alla tårar jag sparat för att hjälpa dig
Alla ord jag lämnat för att lyssna på dig
Varje känsla jag glömt för att vara din

Och när jag lämnas ensam med allt jag har förtryckt
avundas jag dig
för att du aldrig ser mig

Jag koncentrerade mig så hårt på att inte vara en tyngd för dig
att jag aldrig insåg vilken tyngd du var för mig

En tyngd jag alltid tänker fortsätta bära
En tyngd jag aldrig kan släppa taget om

Om det beror på att jag bryr mig för mycket om dig
eller för lite om mig själv
vill jag inte tänka på

Men jag vet nog svaret ändå"

2009

"Jag förbannar mig själv för att jag säger det här,
men nu tänker jag försöka att hålla mig borta
För ingenting gör ondare än att hoppas på det som aldrig händer
och nu känns det som om jag aldrig kommer kunna ta ett steg till utan dig igen
som om jag aldrig kommer kunna andas om jag inte får känna din hand i min, om jag inte kan öppna ögonen och se dig ligga kvar brevid mig
Det är dags att inse att jag inte kan hindra regnet från att falla

Så jag slutar försöka fortsätta historian nu, även fast jag vill
Men om jag aldrig slutar älska dig, vad väntar jag då på?"
2009

"Större delen av mig hoppas att du kommer be mig att stanna
att jag får se dig gråta över oss
på samma sätt som jag gjort så många nätter

Men om du ber mig att stanna kommer jag aldrig att klara av att gå ifrån dig
Och jag kommer aldrig kunna andas igen om jag måste fortsätta att sakna dig resten av mitt liv

Om jag inte sliter mig loss nu kommer jag att sitta fast förevigt
Frågan är bara
om jag vill
släppa taget
om dig?"
2009

"No way you could see through all those windows or through the stone wall that is your heart
No matter about the love that claims its place inside, there's no bigger lie you could have told than that you actually wanted to be with me
No bigger shame, no more closed eyes, I wish I knew how to get to you
You told me you were falling for me and I'm always falling"

2010

"I want you to tell me the truth
Right until you do
And should I let the feeling find me
Your words were never true
The stars we put together
The fire in your eye
The note that said "I love you"
Torn by the final lie"

2009

"You and me caught in a vicious downward spiral of blame and guilt, always with you screaming in my ears for taking your love from you, for being there first, for existing, and forgetting.
In a downward spiral with me always running from you, avoiding promises of spiralling forever, and ever, and ever, trying to remember to always love you so you won't hate me.

Truth is, I forgot. Sooner than we thought."

2010

"Jag flyter,
i ensamhet
bland stjärnors kanter och vibrationers djup,
bland dimmor och toner jag
aldrig vill sakna
aldrig kan missa

Med en besatthet för det vackra
och jag längtar,
jag trånar,
(jag flyter)
Tills jag får känna det
nästa gång"

2009

"Nu, om du vill stanna, jag har inget emot det
Men du måste lova att inte vilja ha mig
Det finns inget pålitligt över tillit
Om det är mer än bara bilden, du vet,
så vet jag inte hur jag hanterar det
Och ja, jag vill ha dig
Själviskt
Även om jag vet hur mycket du kommer hata mig
när jag inte kan ge dig vad du vill ha
men aldrig frågar efter
Men kommer jag fortfarande att tänka på henne när vi krossar varandras hjärtan?
Försvinn, du har gått över gränsen"

2010

Amanda was stuck in thoughts about love. She had had crushes before, time and time again, on all sorts of people. But love? Just how big was the difference between love and a crush?
Suddenly her stomach ached with longing to find out just how it felt. But how could she find it? By not looking for it?
...But then again, who could love her?
It hurt.
"But..." Alice said in a tiny voice and everyone turned her attention to her. Her face showed an obvious blush and she pressed her cold hand against her cheek to try and cool down. "Do you..." she tried. "How would you... describe love?"
Amanda thought she sounded adorably embarrassed but there was an honesty in her question that made her unable to laugh or even smile.
Mary suddenly turned around and faced the rest of the girls instead of the TV and let her head rest on her knees. Amanda smiled as she knew Mary was completely and utterly obsessed with these things and would probably talk about Alice's question forever and ever if she could. They all looked carefully at each other. There was an obvious fear of being ridiculed in the air. Amy cleared her throat."

2011

"I snapped at someone once. Wow, listen to my big confession, huh?

[...] Yes, since then I lost her, I lost my friends, I gained friends, and I lost them, too.
Sometimes I long for someone to hold me. Hold me, and not expect anything, because I'm not going to love them.
I'm not saying this because I lost her and "I'll never fall in love again", because I know I will. I do it all the time. And apparently people fall in love with me, too. But I don't think I can love and I'm not sure I want to. I think the place I'm supposed to be, is somewhere alone.
And I'm definitely never going to snap at anyone ever again, at least not when I'm the one who's being a total fuck-up."

2011

"Vänta en stund,
du kan ju inte gå
innan du hört låten
jag skrev
till dig?"

2010

"Och när ljuset tar med sig min stolhet in i sömnen
och mörkret och isoleringen gör mig sällskap
Är det fortfarande dig jag tänker på
och vill ha brevid mig när min värld rasar
eller mina drömmar besannas
Vad som än händer,
mirakel eller katastrof

Är jag för rädd för att möta det utan dig

Inatt förstår jag dina bortglömda skakningar
Jag är rädd,
så var är du?"

2009

"Jag tänker på dig

snälla
må
bra "

2009

"In time, I've learned to punish myself every second I want you to love me, but I can't break free, I just can't get your incredible eyes out of my life. I want to love you until it kills me. Even the pain you give me is better than everyone else's."

2009


"This confusion can't be of the good for anybody, can it? And what do I do with it? Is this a good way to use it? Write it down, not let anybody ever read it? Is that going to help? Will it ease the crossfire in my head? (Westlife quote, I'm a nerd)"

2010

"Cast the blame, burn the flame, scream your name, all the same
Say or do, love takes two, obsession too, I love you"

2008

"Du vet så väl att du kan dansa
men du har sytt dina kläder själv
Lagat varje hål
Den största sömmen som revs upp
var ett hjärtformat hål i ditt bröst
Men varje förlust är bortglömd
och tiden läkte alla sår
Om det bara inte hade varit för det där lilla,
kallat missförstånd"

2009

"Och även om kärlek
utbytes mot Saknad
så handlar fortfarande allt jag känner om dig"

2009

"Och tro mig, du behöver inte kämpa
för hur mycket du än försöker kommer du aldrig att bli mer än dem
eller ska jag säga "oss"?
För hur kan du bli mer än människa?
Öppna ögonen, och acceptera
att din önskan att vara speciell
gör dig precis som alla andra --
Mänsklig"

2009

"Med minnet av ditt kärleksfulla misstag tryggt i väskan
väntar jag
medan väggarna faller och ditt hjärta blir synligt igen
Jag håller mig på så långt avstånd som mina trådar tillåter
för det är det du vill
Alltid inom räckhåll

men utanför ditt synfält
Utanför dina omsorger, intressen och behov
"Du är inte så jävla oskyldig själv"
Om jag inte älskade dig, vore jag ändå lika värdelös?"

2009

"Du är omöjlig att undgå
Om en minut expanderar du
men vad händer då, om tiden står still?
"Jag är glad att jag slipper ha dig i mitt liv"
Tillåt mig älska
din vägran att förlora"

2009

"Well, she couldn't help remaining there, exactly. It was not as if she had anywhere else to go, or even wanted to be somewhere else. Just thinking about walking out the door and into the world... it scared her. She wasn't going now or tomorrow or ever and never ever ever ever ever and oh, everything was empty and pale and maybe it should stay that way cause forever is just a little too long to stand even if it's supposedly something she was supposed to be striving towards, love, love, love, forever and ever."

2011

"Maybe there's alot of things you can't remember
And I may not love you anymore
but I still lie awake at night to think of you
like I always did
You knew that, of course
but it didn't stop you from repressing
And though you lifted me up to shoot me down
used your knife to pick me off the ground
Tonight of all nights was made to remember
the time when tomorrow was all we'd live for
I have nothing to say
(out loud)
How can I blame you?
Cause everything goes away
And everyone forgets
But I never will"

2010

"I guess she feels sorry for herself. And I think on some level I do too, otherwise I probably wouldn't be writing this down right now, would I? Why would I wanna tell people unless it was for them to feel sorry for me?
I think I want attention. But who doesn't, really?"

2010

"When you disobey the rules
On how to think and how to feel
We refuse to be the fools
And we feed off all that's real"

2007

"Dina känslor är och förblir små, obetydliga glaskristaller för mig
Bara prydnad
och om någon av dem skulle splittras i ett glitterregn
Vem skulle märka?
Men nej,
jag kan faktiskt inte förneka att det skulle kännas bra
om dessa glasklara prydnader
fanns för mig
och endast mig

[...] Och jag kan lämna dig krossad,
eller med övertydliga, gråtande sprickor
och återgå till mitt vardagliga liv
där jag som hemsk människa väntar på att nästa du ska komma
och visa upp sina livsviktiga, hjärtskärande prydnader
Alla för mig att leka med

(och den minsta delen av mig som verkligen behöver bli älskad
men som aldrig kommer ta emot varken din eller någon annans kärlek
vilar djupt inom mig
En enda kall glaskristall)"

2009

"I feel like I've been so let down by all of you and I have never said a word about it, always let you win. I'm tired.
I'm tired of being beat down, I'm tired of hearing degrading words. I'm tired of being a punching bag, and I've told myself a million times that I'm gonna change and bite back when someone corners me, but I never do. I never change.
Maybe I'm just born to be that, to be the cushion that softens the blow when the angry people hit the walls. Maybe I'm even supposed to be the one that brings out all the anger in people to allow them to grow and take responsibility for themselves.

[...] No, I'm not angry. Maybe there'd still be space to scream at them all if I ever got the chance, but the real problem is... that I'm just not getting over it. It's always there over my head, and I never got closure. In the process of losing everyone that was there with me and heard all the screams, all my complaints, saw the rocks fly, hit my back. Saw me fall to the ground after some faceless person walked by and kicked me in the shin or knocked me into the cold stone wall.
No one remembers anymore."

2011

"Last time I locked myself in the bathroom, leaned my head against the towels and cried. Because the whole situation was so hopeless and it could NEVER be solved - and it still hasn't been. I can still hear you sigh and see you shake your head when you hang up the phone, and NOTHING has changed.
You have no idea how much it hurts me to see your disappointment in the life you used to have. And it will always be my fault you can't...let...it...go...
You should be able to get over it, but you can't. Of course, I know that. I don't want to stand in the way AND INBETWEEN any longer, I don't want to be someone you can lean on in order to make someone share your hate, I can't do it, and I don't want to. And still I will always be the pillar between you two, forcing you to not get along, and have to make that one lously phone call every second month. That phone call that always ends with irritation and there's something in the tone of your voice that just CAN'T PUT THE OTHER PERSON TO REST. Something that you can't touch but you still understand what it is, cause you feel it too. You don't know what to call it and maybe you can't fully understand it, but you know what it means. And you've never been so anxious to hang up the phone as you are everytime you talk.
Here's the part where you want to turn around, but as you do, you see me standing there, looking abandoned, sad, and in the need of your protection. So you keep calling. Keep answering the phone.
But that's the protection I don't want anymore. I want you to let each other go and never, ever speak again, but I don't want to be your messenger either. I can't understand the fact that two people who used to dream of sharing one home could ever retreat to hesitating when picking up the phone. Being annoyed when thinking of celebrating someone's birthday."

2010

"And there's no connection, to myself, to the world, I can't decide. I can't connect to myself so HOW THE FUCK DO I CONNECT TO ANYONE ELSE? Maybe I don't even want to connect to anyone, but they all want to connect to me. Sometimes I don't even wanna know their faces or their names but I feel them all slipping away from me one by one and I panic, cause I can't revert into the lonely hermit that I actually wish that I could be. No, that's not who I am supposed to be, and everyone else think they know it better than I do, but I'm the one who lives with it everyday.
They think they know everything about me because they have the outside perspective, and maybe they do, maybe they're right, but I will never tell them all these thoughts, all this everything, but maybe it helps. Maybe I'm so confused because I LIVE WITH THIS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERYDAY and I don't know what that means. It's always there. Always present. I don't get a break to actually think about what's going on inside of me or where I am heading, or where I want to go.
That's the biggest problem. WHERE THE FUCK DO I WANT TO GO?"

2010

"They all shoved the wrong treatment on me and believed they were doing the right thing, I always somehow knew they weren't, and they were annoyed with ME when I just NEVER GOT BETTER. Always the complaints. Never satisfied. I wondered how I was supposed to be satisfied with life like this, with life ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND ALWAYS CHANGING AND I AM SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THE FEELINGS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO, THE SNOW, THE COLD, THE SMALL HOPELESSNESS OF FEELING SOMETHING THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD AND THE THING THAT COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE.
I am supposed to remember the time when I lay in her bed and she told me we should get help, and it felt strange, it felt foreign, and maybe like I needed it, but it never happened. There was no help. Sometimes I think about it, what would have happened if someone tried to help me?"

2010

"And I am losing faith in love, I don't believe that you can find someone that you're 100% okay with having their hands all over you, being so dependent on them, and I am becoming so cynical I want to laugh at myself - cause I can see it. The depressed teenager just losing faith in the entire world, thinking she knows what love is - and the grownups will laugh as they say "we've all been there" and thinking to themselves that when I REALLY FALL IN LOVE, CAUSE I HAVEN'T YET, I will see what they mean. And how do I know they're wrong? I don't."

2010

"Even now I wish I could read this out to someone but I know they wouldn't follow a word I have written so far, and this is just going too fast, way, way too fast, and everything needs explaining. This is where I start to cry and make excuses, and I leave the room feeling as misunderstood as ever.
But this is my role, as a teenager. Feeling misunderstood. Those feelings always just subside when you enter your adult life.
And maybe this is what everyone go though, WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW? And even so, that must mean that I am alot weaker than everybody else that I have ever met, and if LIFE IS JUST LIKE THIS and everything is what it's supposed to be, what then?"

2010

"I am so fucking tired of all of this - or, I would be, if I could connect to my emotions. Maybe I should be happy I can't, but I DO WISH I COULD CONNECT TO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. MYSELF OR SOMEBODY AROUND ME, AND FEEL GOOD FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I DON'T KNOW WHEN. MAYBE EVER?
I should know when I'm done, and it should be now. I have to stop writing and I have to go back to my life and realize this has not helped at all, and I'm still the same failure that I was when I woke up this morning.
I. can't. live. like. this. And yet I do it everday. So what does that mean?"

2010